Violets

Violets growing in our yard Spring 2012

As, I think back, its amazing to me how years are beginning to pass by faster and faster... When I was a child it seemed as if centuries passed before Christmas break or summer arrived again and now its as if only hours passed (well mostly when looking back).  A friend of mine once said to me something like ‘the days may feel like years passing but the years will feel like only days have passed’.  Its so important to be aware of our time with God!! If our enemy gets a minute he will most definitely try to take all of them for the rest of our lives.

Three years ago, in March. God was working to bring me back to Him and keep me; I was also ridding my time of things prohibiting my walk with Him.  I was roughly 4 months pregnant with my now 2 1/2 year old son.  I was a small group leader for high school girls and really loving it, remembering how God moves in that age group was really cool.  It was definitely a time that I was moving toward God; however, the devil desires to sift us as wheat (Luke 22:31).  It didn’t take much, just a redirection of focus!  My focus went from my relationship with God to all the things I had “given up” in order to have time for Him.  I wanted those things, not bad things per se, just time consuming. The problem was that I never replaced that time with Him!!  Time WITH Him is necessary. I replaced the time consuming activities with MORE time consuming activity and eventually went back to the first, then both doubly consumed my time ... and spiral down... It was just a little at a time over time, but “the enemy” is happy with that (remember Luke 22:31).  
During that time much of that pregnancy was very hormonal, I felt very violent, which is not characteristic of me!  Typically, I tear up easily over silly little things, mostly happy things, and even more so during my “girl pregnancies”, but this “boy pregnancy” threw me for a loop!! I could feel the testosterone and it was not pretty, then came the sciatic pain that bent my body.  Oh, good times! (sarcasm) I think the enemy took it and ran.
Fast forward to September... Nathan was born totally healthy... well almost, he was coombs positive & jaundice.  Jaundice can become very dangerous, but it did not get to that point.  I’m very thankful to have had a very healthy baby boy!! I emotionally; however, fell apart. I was full of fear and a million other emotions, I’m pretty sure I had post-pardum depression.  That was also the year that “swine flu” was new and people died all over the world from it!  You couldn’t avoid hearing about the danger of it, as warnings of the flu were all over the place even on the children’s channels my girls liked to watch.  I was petrified. In the next couple of months I grew worse and worse emotionally; I almost lost a good friend & even started hyperventilating when several children crowed around him in his car seat at a church baby shower.   Then at the end of December the bottom fell out... a close friend who was also pregnant with a boy was rushed to the hospital for an emergency c-section.  Her precious son lived outside the womb for only 45 minutes. She woke up to the news.  I’m crying as I type these words.  ........

ok. now that I can see again.

I realize it probably doesn’t seem right for me to miss him, but I do.  I wish he was here most days, even now.  For the first 1 1/2 years after Josiah’s birth, I felt so guilty for missing him, for grieving his life, and guilty for coming home to my healthy son to nurse him after visiting my friend in the hospital.  Every single moment I held my infant son, I felt grief for Josiah’s life, for his Mommy, & his family (I do not exaggerate when I say every).  I nursed Nathan until he was just about 9 months old (it was June) and a little bit of his toddlerhood started in.  That summer the grief started to feel less intense, but I was as angry at God as ever.  I felt like... ‘HOW DARE HE...’  I pulled away and seriously doubted His Love, even getting to the point of denying He Loves us at all.   I decided that we would NOT have any more children as 4/5 families I knew who had 4 or more children (including Josiah’s family- he made 4) had a 4th baby with terminal issues.  I had also been told about several other “4th babies” who also had terminal concerns and MY mind was made up... no more babies, lets stop while we’re ahead!!!

On Sept 20th, six days after Nathan’s 1st birthday, we found out we were a month pregnant.  If fear wasn’t already set in... it was SET IN for the next 8.1 months!!  I cannot recall much from those first few months, other than being nauseous and scared.  At some point I did one of those “what’s the gender” string test that tells you what the gender of each of your children will be in order 1st to last.  It involves a strand of hair, a gold ring, ... you get the idea.  It was correct with all 5 of a friend of mine’s children and we did the test on her when she only had 2. Crazy right?!  Ok, so it works, right?  So... the test said that my 4th would be a boy.  When I found out that I was pregnant with a girl, I was even more beside myself than I had been. I cried off and on for days in total worry; within a month I hit shut down mode.  My niece, Kortney was here for that, bless her soul.  Its a wonder my homeschooling Kindergartner ever learned to read or add... or... anyway.  I was in so much fear that though I knew I was pregnant, I did not recognize a baby was coming, but she was the first of my children to have a name before we ever got pregnant with her!  Amelia Violet.  That was a good thing or it may have been weeks after her birth for her to ever get a name.

At the end of March before she was born, little violets grew up all over the 3 foot wide stretch of lawn separating our house from our neighbors’.  As far as our neighbors knew there had never been violets to grow in the spring before and to top it off weed killer had been sprayed over their yard which included that area (weed killer also kills violets).   The day I noticed all of these violets, we pulled up in the drive way and everyone piled out of the car and when I opened my door I just sat there staring at a million little purple flowers.  God whispered in my heart, “they are there for you, everything is going to be fine.”  I got out of the car and walked away, ignoring Him.  Later that same day, I went to a salon to have my hair cut for the first time in probably a year or more.  In the middle of the salon on a bar height table was a pot with big dark purple african violets growing out of it.  God again whispered, “everything will be fine.”  I was a little taken back the rest of the day, I recognized that they were there for me, but I didn’t totally trust that everything would be ok. 

One week late a little after 1:00 AM, Amelia Violet was born healthy (also coombs positive and jaundice, but otherwise healthy).  When I held her for the first time, a rush of peace and healing came over me. She was the first newborn I’d seen since visiting Josiah’s Mommy in the hospital.  God knew I needed her for healing among many other reasons.  My friend said that she and her husband felt the same type healing after Josiah’s little sister Sophia Joy was born in a somewhat traumatic way & turned out healthy. (Sophia was born 1 month and 1 day after Amelia).  This is not to say there aren’t any more bouts of grief, there are, nor does it mean Josiah isn’t missed by his Mommy, Daddy and 4 sisters, he is missed by them daily, he is also missed by by many people who are close to their family.  The healing doesn’t make losing him ok. What this bit of healing and peace does mean is that God is there.  He truly does go ahead of us (Deuteronomy 31:8). We have hope because of Him, we are comforted by Him (2 Corinthians 1:4).

Looking back I’m amazed at God’s faithfulness!  During a time that I turned my back on His Love, He still pursued me even causing violets to grow up where they shouldn’t have and placing them in a salon I’d never been to.  His Love is So great, we could never truly understand how expansive, how deep, or how pure it really is.  He Loves us so much that during the deepest hurts in our lives, like losing a baby, He is deeply hurt too and passionately wants to carry us through it daily until we can find bits of healing and hope that make us willing to survive, basking in His Love, just ask Josiah’s Mommy.  He Loves us so much that He came to earth just so we could be with Him.  Today, I feel the rush of His Love just thinking about those million violets growing in our yard. He Loves me so so much and He loves you so so much too!