structure melt down

Living here, managing a family of 6 requires intentional structure. I thrive on it. I do not; however, thrive on creating it.  I like finding a warm little spot and sitting there reading or watching tv all day while at the same time watching my children play & interacting with them.  This is not my life and I'm so thankful for that!! When it did mirror what my days looked like I was a huge mess and the only reason I didn't commit suicide was for fear of the One who Created me because I thought He surely must hate me. I was a mess.  My days don't look like that picture anymore because God has very patiently taught me how to live otherwise and with purpose & showed me all over again just how much He loves me. Living in my warm little spot-- probably the very picture of agoraphobia-- was killing me.  The enemy loves to try to distract me back to that.  And if not to that same picture then at least toward shirking off any and all of my responsibility.  That's kind of what the last couple of days were like-- ok, this week-- its easier in a way to ignore responsibility while at the same time it is entrapment and it most definitely feels that way.  Easier in that my brain shuts out the onslaught of my ever coming to do list that circles my thoughts constantly & starts to consume the pleasures of entertainment, shopping (internet or otherwise), & sugar.  I feel kind of sick. 

Last night I'm thinking to myself, "what is going on with me? Dang!"  This morning, I start praying and realize that I haven't since Sunday!!... Sunday??!! When all last week I was constantly in prayer.  What changed?  I think this entire month was a constant trickle of structure melt down.  I do not do well with no structure!! And Jesus said it, "the Devil desires to have you, that he may sift you as wheat."  Today while praying I suddenly understand one of the reasons the Lord wants me to get my schedule back to the way it was last school term.  I would get right up and the children and I would go straight to the gym. In terms of routine this works well for me because if I can get away with staying up until 2 am and sleeping til 10, that's what I'm gonna do.  Not that anything is wrong with that if your family thrives on it, but for me, for our family we don't thrive on it-- we melt down. 

It is most definitely time to get all these routines back in place, especially now that home-school has started up. I thrive on structure. Tons more gets done! The children learn more, chores happen (better than not), I enjoy my children so much more, I actually cook, I have time for friends, time for the important stuff when I stay structured.  When I'm not structured I don't do most of these things.  Structure above all else is what keeps me close to the Lord, what keeps walking in obedience to Him, what keeps me growing in Him, what keeps me loving Him more and more...  Living in a lack of structure sitting on my couch mindlessly doing whatever strikes me is what shackles me down to the bed of depression, because it is there that I'm not living-- rather dying. 

I choose life. 

So tonight, I read her blog, and she's talking about habits. Coincidence? I think not. It's great! I'll be downloading her free printable.  Here is the verse she quoted for this entire subject of time: 

“Teach us, O Lord, to number our days, that we might have a heart of wisdom.” ~Ps. 90}

Click here to visit her site to glean from her wisdom-- Ann Voskamp.