Doing

 Something I learned to do as a consultant was to budget my time,  very very similar to how Dave Ramsey teaches to budget money.   Both time and money are valuable, but only time is priceless. 

A couple weeks ago, I took the time to fill out a weekly plan sheet because my schedule was changing some and I needed to be sure that the things I need to get done get put in the appropriate time slots.  Of course the way to fill these things out is to fill it in as if it were the perfect day & to live a flexible life around it.  Balance and all.  So, each category of your life gets a color: purple for God, blue for family, pink for “me”, green for work, etc... I think for most of us with children at home have weeks completely shaded with 3- 4 of these colors.  I got it all filled out with pretty colors & good intentions.  I still hold to those good intentions; however, I have not had 1 day work out like planned.

My plan has to do with getting up earlier and of course that entails going to bed earlier; spending prayer & worship time with God,  study/ blog time, & reading scripture; I also homeschool 2 of my children; and work out among some of the other things managing a family of 6 entails.  1 Peter 5:8 warns us to “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” (NIV). I noticed toward the end of the first couple of nights that I spent all day long just “doing”.  You know when the “doing” isn’t doing anything of substance at all and at the end of the day you wonder what you did all day.  Sometimes the doing is ME trying to control the steps I’m taking forward and the outcome of any given situation.  I can tell you 1 thing I know I didn’t do those days... spend time with my Savior.  When I woke up, He and I spoke and then off I went, “doing”.  I don’t think we even home-schooled those days. sigh.  I got caught up in the stuff and lost focus of my necessary daily accomplishments; Bible Study, Prayer, School, Working Out, cooking healthy for my family...  These things fill my day to the brim and if 1 thing gets added or if I focus too long on 1 thing then the whole lot gets neglected.  He wants to carrie me daily, instead of my attention be diverted by ANY other given thing.

I got to the end of that first day, laid in bed and flipped through Pinterest to take a minute to relax and when I finished God said to me, “now that you’re finished everything that you wanted to do today now its my turn.” He had not been first at all that day!!  It was 12:30AM and I was ready to drift off; I sat up opened my Bible then prayed. The best thing is to spend time with Him even when it doesn’t feel convenient.  The next several days including last night were very similar to that first day!!  ‘I HAVE GOT TO CHANGE SOMETHING!!’   I’ve learned the hard way over and over that if I do nothing to change, I will absolutely shrink backward.  My (our) only hope is to make a conscience effort to move forward, to be “self-controlled and alert” for our enemy’s #1 goal is to take us down. He wants our time as soon as our eyes open and all day; we have to find consentrated time with Him and He can change our hearts and grow fruit of the Spirit in us!  What am I doing???? What??? and What are you going to do to stop shrinking backward, being picked over by a lion??  UGHHHHH!! I have to stop!!  Make a deliberate decision everyday to focus my time on God, to “give Him the time of day”, to read His word and think on it & allow Him to change me through it and through whatever means He moves to change me.  This takes daily action.  The Bible also says to pray with out stopping... so be in constant communication with the God of the Universe.  I think its so cool that someone soooo big even bothers caring about me, much less is desperately seeking my attention!!! and your’s too.   There is no better day to start than today, I remember believing the lie that ‘well when I graduate it’ll be easier to spend the time...’ or ‘when I start working full time I’ll have more time to...’ or ‘when I get married...’ or ‘once we have children...’  Time just gets swept away; it is like dust in the wind.  DO IT NOW! Make the change.  Oh, gosh! did you feel that push back? I did. The push back is the lie that ‘Im comfortable here, and I don’t need to change or ‘but this’ or ‘but that’.  Change is difficult and I really don’t want to go through the motions because I have a feeling it’ll hurt.  Usually, or very often, there is a sense of great peace on the other side of that push back.  I’ve absolutely experienced the drastic change for good He accomplishes in me when I’m consistently spending time in prayer and Bible study. He will do that again in me and wants to do it for you too. Galations 5:22-23 lists the Fruit of the Spirt: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, & self-control.  If you’re a Christian, He has already given you these things and He wants to develop them in us too.  If you’re not a Christian, believe me when I tell you that God Loves you and all that’s necessary is to come to Him and ask for Him. I talked about that in my first post :). 

This picture of meeting a friend for dinner keeps coming to mind. We’re good friends and we care for each other but we sit there in silence the entire meal and in this picture I think thats what a good friend is, someone who is around.  Or worse yet, I go to meet my friend for dinner, but sit with someone else and enjoy an entire evening with them without ever acknowledging my friend who I came to meet.  Now, I want a good conversation and some laughs like the next person and God does too; He even wants so much more than that, He wants genuine intimacy. We can’t get that sitting there silent or spending our time thinking or doing a million other things.  We have to move into an active relationship with Him just like we would in our most intimate human relationships.

I think its about time I figure out how to do that again.  Meet my Savior and not get wrapped up in “doing.”  What about you?

Violets

Violets growing in our yard Spring 2012

As, I think back, its amazing to me how years are beginning to pass by faster and faster... When I was a child it seemed as if centuries passed before Christmas break or summer arrived again and now its as if only hours passed (well mostly when looking back).  A friend of mine once said to me something like ‘the days may feel like years passing but the years will feel like only days have passed’.  Its so important to be aware of our time with God!! If our enemy gets a minute he will most definitely try to take all of them for the rest of our lives.

Three years ago, in March. God was working to bring me back to Him and keep me; I was also ridding my time of things prohibiting my walk with Him.  I was roughly 4 months pregnant with my now 2 1/2 year old son.  I was a small group leader for high school girls and really loving it, remembering how God moves in that age group was really cool.  It was definitely a time that I was moving toward God; however, the devil desires to sift us as wheat (Luke 22:31).  It didn’t take much, just a redirection of focus!  My focus went from my relationship with God to all the things I had “given up” in order to have time for Him.  I wanted those things, not bad things per se, just time consuming. The problem was that I never replaced that time with Him!!  Time WITH Him is necessary. I replaced the time consuming activities with MORE time consuming activity and eventually went back to the first, then both doubly consumed my time ... and spiral down... It was just a little at a time over time, but “the enemy” is happy with that (remember Luke 22:31).  
During that time much of that pregnancy was very hormonal, I felt very violent, which is not characteristic of me!  Typically, I tear up easily over silly little things, mostly happy things, and even more so during my “girl pregnancies”, but this “boy pregnancy” threw me for a loop!! I could feel the testosterone and it was not pretty, then came the sciatic pain that bent my body.  Oh, good times! (sarcasm) I think the enemy took it and ran.
Fast forward to September... Nathan was born totally healthy... well almost, he was coombs positive & jaundice.  Jaundice can become very dangerous, but it did not get to that point.  I’m very thankful to have had a very healthy baby boy!! I emotionally; however, fell apart. I was full of fear and a million other emotions, I’m pretty sure I had post-pardum depression.  That was also the year that “swine flu” was new and people died all over the world from it!  You couldn’t avoid hearing about the danger of it, as warnings of the flu were all over the place even on the children’s channels my girls liked to watch.  I was petrified. In the next couple of months I grew worse and worse emotionally; I almost lost a good friend & even started hyperventilating when several children crowed around him in his car seat at a church baby shower.   Then at the end of December the bottom fell out... a close friend who was also pregnant with a boy was rushed to the hospital for an emergency c-section.  Her precious son lived outside the womb for only 45 minutes. She woke up to the news.  I’m crying as I type these words.  ........

ok. now that I can see again.

I realize it probably doesn’t seem right for me to miss him, but I do.  I wish he was here most days, even now.  For the first 1 1/2 years after Josiah’s birth, I felt so guilty for missing him, for grieving his life, and guilty for coming home to my healthy son to nurse him after visiting my friend in the hospital.  Every single moment I held my infant son, I felt grief for Josiah’s life, for his Mommy, & his family (I do not exaggerate when I say every).  I nursed Nathan until he was just about 9 months old (it was June) and a little bit of his toddlerhood started in.  That summer the grief started to feel less intense, but I was as angry at God as ever.  I felt like... ‘HOW DARE HE...’  I pulled away and seriously doubted His Love, even getting to the point of denying He Loves us at all.   I decided that we would NOT have any more children as 4/5 families I knew who had 4 or more children (including Josiah’s family- he made 4) had a 4th baby with terminal issues.  I had also been told about several other “4th babies” who also had terminal concerns and MY mind was made up... no more babies, lets stop while we’re ahead!!!

On Sept 20th, six days after Nathan’s 1st birthday, we found out we were a month pregnant.  If fear wasn’t already set in... it was SET IN for the next 8.1 months!!  I cannot recall much from those first few months, other than being nauseous and scared.  At some point I did one of those “what’s the gender” string test that tells you what the gender of each of your children will be in order 1st to last.  It involves a strand of hair, a gold ring, ... you get the idea.  It was correct with all 5 of a friend of mine’s children and we did the test on her when she only had 2. Crazy right?!  Ok, so it works, right?  So... the test said that my 4th would be a boy.  When I found out that I was pregnant with a girl, I was even more beside myself than I had been. I cried off and on for days in total worry; within a month I hit shut down mode.  My niece, Kortney was here for that, bless her soul.  Its a wonder my homeschooling Kindergartner ever learned to read or add... or... anyway.  I was in so much fear that though I knew I was pregnant, I did not recognize a baby was coming, but she was the first of my children to have a name before we ever got pregnant with her!  Amelia Violet.  That was a good thing or it may have been weeks after her birth for her to ever get a name.

At the end of March before she was born, little violets grew up all over the 3 foot wide stretch of lawn separating our house from our neighbors’.  As far as our neighbors knew there had never been violets to grow in the spring before and to top it off weed killer had been sprayed over their yard which included that area (weed killer also kills violets).   The day I noticed all of these violets, we pulled up in the drive way and everyone piled out of the car and when I opened my door I just sat there staring at a million little purple flowers.  God whispered in my heart, “they are there for you, everything is going to be fine.”  I got out of the car and walked away, ignoring Him.  Later that same day, I went to a salon to have my hair cut for the first time in probably a year or more.  In the middle of the salon on a bar height table was a pot with big dark purple african violets growing out of it.  God again whispered, “everything will be fine.”  I was a little taken back the rest of the day, I recognized that they were there for me, but I didn’t totally trust that everything would be ok. 

One week late a little after 1:00 AM, Amelia Violet was born healthy (also coombs positive and jaundice, but otherwise healthy).  When I held her for the first time, a rush of peace and healing came over me. She was the first newborn I’d seen since visiting Josiah’s Mommy in the hospital.  God knew I needed her for healing among many other reasons.  My friend said that she and her husband felt the same type healing after Josiah’s little sister Sophia Joy was born in a somewhat traumatic way & turned out healthy. (Sophia was born 1 month and 1 day after Amelia).  This is not to say there aren’t any more bouts of grief, there are, nor does it mean Josiah isn’t missed by his Mommy, Daddy and 4 sisters, he is missed by them daily, he is also missed by by many people who are close to their family.  The healing doesn’t make losing him ok. What this bit of healing and peace does mean is that God is there.  He truly does go ahead of us (Deuteronomy 31:8). We have hope because of Him, we are comforted by Him (2 Corinthians 1:4).

Looking back I’m amazed at God’s faithfulness!  During a time that I turned my back on His Love, He still pursued me even causing violets to grow up where they shouldn’t have and placing them in a salon I’d never been to.  His Love is So great, we could never truly understand how expansive, how deep, or how pure it really is.  He Loves us so much that during the deepest hurts in our lives, like losing a baby, He is deeply hurt too and passionately wants to carry us through it daily until we can find bits of healing and hope that make us willing to survive, basking in His Love, just ask Josiah’s Mommy.  He Loves us so much that He came to earth just so we could be with Him.  Today, I feel the rush of His Love just thinking about those million violets growing in our yard. He Loves me so so much and He loves you so so much too!

Pursued

10 years ago. Well, more than 10 years ago but at this point it seems like a life time has passed.  Backing up a little further than that, Satan sifted me & my standards and I fell into sin.  I not only knew what God’s Word had to say about it, but He Himself practically yelled in my heart to stop just before sinning this particular sin.  The sin was blatant disobedience.

The next day I was devastated: severely overwhelmed by grief, laid waste. I’m not sure if I’ve ever been the same. (maybe just this month I received total healing from it).  Guilt, regret, and depression laid into me like a gale force wind and I’ve struggled with those feelings ever since.  This is a prime example of a time God desperately wanted me to run TO Him, straight INTO His Loving embrace to receive forgiveness and love, instead of what I did.  I ran as far away from Him as my heart could take me without further fear of Him.  I was certain He MUST surely hate me.  The enemy had his foothold to whisper whatever lie he wanted in my life and I believed him.  Giving the enemy any foothold allows him to drag you for miles; it was painful.  There were several years in the past 10+, up til maybe a year ago that I was suicidal.  But why would I take my life just to go face a God I was certain hated me? That just seemed counterintuitive. 

It wasn’t that original sin that kept me in bondage this whole time; no, it was believing lies.  You know... those lies the enemy of our souls loves to whisper to us?  Lies telling us that we’re worthless, stupid, unloveable, hated, trash, useless, that we can do nothing right, that we’re not good enough... oh! the lies just go on an on don’t they!? DO NOT BELIEVE THE LIES!!  Believe the God of Truth! He only wants to help make me (you) be the best I (you) can be!! No reason to wallow in self pity as the enemy wants; no one is perfect but Christ!   The truth is you are worth more than diamonds, you are not stupid, you are lovable, you are loved by the Creator of the Universe, you are priceless, you have purpose, you can do all things through Christ who Strengthens you, you are more than enough...!!!  He wants to bring you into the wholeness of who you were created to be, allow Him to do that, wear it.

God pursued me. Looking back now I can see how He brought specific people in my life to help me. My husband for starters is the most encouraging person; he is my cheerleader and I genuinely hope I am his too.  He helped me find my confidence again and he loves me unconditionally & without hesitation. I’m so glad I listened to God when He told me I loved him and needed to marry him!  Marrying Scott is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made (this May 25th will make 10 years since we met on the National Mall).  He also used my Mary Kay business & my specific director to give me a sense of purpose again, to stir my heart toward His calling on my life, to rekindle the flame of truth in my life, among other things.  He will use whatever it takes to coax us back to receiving His Love again in the safety of His embrace. There were lots of friends in between who came, went, or stayed who have loved me despite why I thought God hated me. They are the hands and feet of Christ. Love others unconditionally and with out hesitation; we all need it & no one is perfect!

I love  Casting Crowns' song "Voice of Truth" listen by clicking on this link: 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68q8y5nkdPo

I listened to this song tonight, 22 days after the original post date,  and immediately thought to post the link here!: 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOyNOzCGZ1c&feature=list_related&playnext=1&list=AL94UKMTqg-9Cx2ycOWVWQQaP1Zb4ait2q

Moving In

When I asked Christ into my life, I had no idea what to expect.  I had no idea that when I prayed that prayer asking the God of ALL to forgive my sins, and to come into my heart that He would literally MOVE IN!   1 Corinthians 6:19-20, “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.” (NASB, bible.com)  The few months prior to this I knew that many of my habits were sin, but I really did not care; as far as I was concerned I was just out having a good time.  No big deal, right?  Not until I had the Holy Spirit living in me; He changed everything.  The first time and every time, I went back to an old habit (or a new “focus” away from Him) the Holy Spirit who still lives in me would coax me back to Him and away from sin. This inner working is such an extraordinary phenomenon.  Jesus described the Holy Spirit to His followers as a helper, comforter, advocate, intercessor, He (the Holy Spirit) teaches us all things, brings to remembrance the Words of God (I can totally vouch for that this very second), (John 14:16),  He is the Spirit of Truth who proceeds from the Father, He testifies about Christ (John 14:26).

That first year was kinda rocky.  Think about it, when was the last time you saw a brand new infant stand up and walk?  My daughter, Amelia is about to be 10 months old and she is not walking yet and we know that this is totally normal.  She will most likely fall hundreds of times before she gets to walking well, she already has. The same is true of our faith. I was “born again” and though I had this helper I fell hundreds of times; going between old habit and a new heart was a strange paradox to find myself in.  I think it took about a year for me to really grasp what this is all about and Deuteronomy 31:8 encouraged me so much, “God is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; he won't leave you. Don't be intimidated. Don't worry."(The Message, bible.com)  This is such an amazing promise and I just felt that if God wants to do all the things He does for me (for all of us), then the least I could do is give Him my life. This is not to say that I haven’t fallen thousands and thousands of times in the last seventeen years; I have (more about that tomorrow).

The next few years were really cool. My heart changed for the better more and more everyday as I was totally willing to follow anything God (the Holy Spirit) asked of me.  In these early days one of the first fruits of the Spirit He cultivated in me was patience.  When I say I had none, I mean I had NONE, most people annoyed me & my fuse was short.  I remember praying for patience in preparation for a mission trip I was going on a couple months later.  I prayed just before walking in to my afternoon shift as a hostess at a local Pizza place.  I was used to a line being out the door & this particular day was very very slow, it would’ve been a breeze.  I say would have because patience was being grown in me that day , so it was the most difficult day I ever worked there.  I had no idea what patience cultivation looked like when I prayed for it, nor did I know my prayer would be answered so quickly.  It took a while but He grew patience in me and every now and then I’ll be tested in this area again; I guess no one can have enough patience! :)  He gave me a Love for people I never had before and a sense of contentment and joy that I’d never experienced.  I wanted others’ to have this amazing Love in their lives too.  I gave out pamphlets to strangers and books to family; I talked to who seemed willing to hear.  God is amazing, He LOVES us and HAS DONE ANYTHING FOR US TO LOVE HIM TOO. He sent His Son (part of Himself) to live a human life, to die an innocent man who resurrected from the grave to GIVE US ETERNAL LIFE with Him... so that we could be with Him both now and forever (John 3:16)!

after posting this on the 28th, a friend had this song come to mind after reading! its pretty awesome, listen up :)  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqFCJ4ma0vA

Seventeen Years Ago Today

17 years.  It has been 17 years to the day since I asked Jesus into my life. He is my Savior. He is my Friend. He is my Provider, my Comforter, my Leader, & day by day becoming my Everything.  On March 27, 1995 just a few months prior to turning 17 God radically changed my heart. I could love again, rather truly love for the first time, because that day I received the ultimate Love, which is God’s unconditional, extraordinary, supernatural, overwhelming True LOVE! His Love is different than the way I experienced love before.  2 Corinthians 13 defines His Love for us: “ 4 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (NASB, Bible.com).  It took about 3 months of a few different friends, who I’ll be eternally grateful to, witnessing to me for me to finally go to God.  Looking back, I think I stopped receiving love into my life because I stopped trusting it some where a long the way; after all human love comes with a lot of heartache and disappointment.   The same is not true of God. During that 3 months I learned that God is a friend who sticks closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24), who goes ahead of us so we do not need to be afraid (Deuteronomy 31:8), who is there even if/ when parents leave (Psalm 27:10).  I began trusting His Love, the Love of God, the Creator of the Universe is unmatched!! When I received Him into my life I could then sink into His Love like a ocean and He gave freely and constantly and now I could give that same Love to others (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

17 years has passed since that day, and a lot has happened (I’ll get to that). There have been periods of tremendous faith and periods of confusion and doubt, each brought on by either obedience or disobedience to Him sometimes brought on my tremendous grief... and even falling out of Love with Him.  The periods of disobedience sadly led to an abrupt halt of receiving His all powerful Love, He continued to pursue me through it all.  Finally, just this month, March 2012 I am truly recognizing and receiving His Love in my life again after several years of doubt.   He wants you to receive His Love in your life too; go to Him declare His promises of Love in your life (John 3:16, etc..) and ask Him to come into your life too, it is a gift He freely gives!