foretelling & now-telling

Today we drove home from the beach. It took 4 hours, the children stayed content the entire time & so I read! I read & read; I'm practically finished Isaiah. The last half of the book is full of promises. In particular the  promise of Christ's coming, to be born human, to die, & to raise from the dead.  Isaiah was written by a profit hundreds of years before Christ was born.  The Lord God says over and over throughout the book that He is the only God, the creator of everything, the one who makes it all work, the only one who can save... And He says, "Ignorant are those who carry about idols of wood, who pray to gods that cannot save..." verses like this are declared over and over & I think of hearing so many atheists' quotes that reverberate the same message. The difference between God saying it and an atheist?  The atheist throws baby Jesus out with the bath water.
I love the verse Isaiah49:15b-16a, "...I will not forget you!  See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands..."(NIV).  Christ's nail scarred hands are an engraving of us and His soul was pierced not just His body which is why they are still that way in eternity.  
Isaiah 52:13-53--Foretells Christ's coming & the words of God delivered through the prophet Isaiah; read the book of John to follow up :)...

13See, my servant will act wisely^b;

he will be raised and lifted up and highly exalted.

14Just as there were many who were appalled at him^c—

his appearance was so disfigured beyond that of any man

and his form marred beyond human likeness—

15so will he sprinkle many nations,^d

and kings will shut their mouths because of him.

For what they were not told, they will see,

and what they have not heard, they will understand. 

1Who has believed our message

and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?

2He grew up before him like a tender shoot,

and like a root out of dry ground.

He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,

nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.

3He was despised and rejected by men,

a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.

Like one from whom men hide their faces

he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

4Surely he took up our infirmities

and carried our sorrows,

yet we considered him stricken by God,

smitten by him, and afflicted.

5But he was pierced for our transgressions,

he was crushed for our iniquities;

the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,

and by his wounds we are healed.

6We all, like sheep, have gone astray,

each of us has turned to his own way;

and the Lord has laid on him

the iniquity of us all.

7He was oppressed and afflicted,

yet he did not open his mouth;

he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,

and as a sheep before her shearers is silent,

so he did not open his mouth.

8By oppression^a and judgment he was taken away.

And who can speak of his descendants?

For he was cut off from the land of the living;

for the transgression of my people he was stricken.^b

9He was assigned a grave with the wicked,

and with the rich in his death,

though he had done no violence,

nor was any deceit in his mouth.

10Yet it was the Lord’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer,

and though the Lord makes^c his life a guilt offering,

he will see his offspring and prolong his days,

and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand.

11After the suffering of his soul,

he will see the light [of life]^d and be satisfied^e;

by his knowledge^f my righteous servant will justify many,

and he will bear their iniquities.

12Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,^g

and he will divide the spoils with the strong,^h

because he poured out his life unto death,

and was numbered with the transgressors.

For he bore the sin of many,

and made intercession for the transgressors.

Today I got home, walked in the door, & my perfectionism overcame me all at once. yep, bombarded.  I thought, 'ugh! stupid hormones!!!' tmi? Don't all of us ladies blame them?  My perfectionism has nothing to do with my hormones, but sometimes it sure seems like it.  I ran an errand tonight and was praying in order to fight off the depression clouding around me.  He reminded me to be thankful... its seems with all this thankfulness practice I would've already been doing that, but no.  Thankfulness and depression brought on by unfulfilled perfectionism cannot coexist. So... I love the little periwinkle colored flowers growing in Chic-fil-la's drive-thru... I thanked God for them and continued to thank Him for all kinds of different things from the day. The depression lifted & I let go of my perfectionism again.  Sounds easy, but it was kind of painful.  Glad to have had a little more of this junk purged from me. Thankful for a God who Loves with an everlasting Love.

Hungry?

Today while in prayer I was reminded to be in the Word, to eat it, it is as sweet as honey to mysoul... I've been reading some very good books lately and am so interested in them, all I want to read is these books by really great authors. Staying Christ focused in the midst of spiritual growth requires not wrapping up so much in it that it becomes personal growth and is self focused. The 2 appear to be the same thing at first glance, but 1 is counterfeit to God growing fruit of the Spirit in the believer. I've got to be in the Word much more than I have this week, not that I shouldn't read the books I've been reading. I definitely benefited from reading them but I'm hungry for the meat of the Word of God & didn't recognize it until this afternoon. Much like being hungry for food and getting grumpy and irritable until I eat... Have u seen a Snickers commercial lately? Hungry? The Bible satisfies spiritual hunger.

hidden

Insecurity can swallow up your entire life if you let it. Every single part of it.  Some people may not be as insecure as others but the fact of the matter is that everyone is insecure in some part of their life. Its certainly hiding in parts of my life that I never even remotely recognized before today. Earlier I prayed. I asked God to show me and point out the times when insecurity raises up so I have the opportunity to choose to believe His truths instead of the lies circling in my mind.  Several times today He showed me, and I had to choose to reel my thoughts back in and claim His truth or not. I am determined to hide myself in Him. Psalm 143:9,"Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD, for I hide myself in you. Rescue me from my enemies, LORD; I run to you to hide me."  I am so often my own worst enemy, but instead I am learning to hide myself in Him that I might be able to learn His truth about me. I am valuable beyond what I can even understand, God has proven that with His Life, with Jesus' sacrifice of Himself.  John 3:16, ""For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
Being redeemed from this pit of insecurity is interesting, painful, & worth it. I'm happy to be stepping out, one foot at a time, holding the hand of Christ.  He makes it possible. 

redemptive removal

Today I noticed a major release from the competitive part of my pride. I wasn't looking for it, but noticed it wasn't there.  wow!  I don't have to be the best at something... anything, I can just be.  I can just be! Relief!  I'm pretty sure asking God for forgiveness for my pridefulness was the key here! Removal of pride is surely an act of God, I surely did nothing to make that happen.

I so want to find significance through Him, leaving the need to be the best at something behind.
In this season my significance has everything to do with raising 4 children to be well rounded adults and to lead them to Christ as best we can.  It also has everything to do with being a godly wife and mother and friend... and to stay committed to writing what God is daily doing in my life here on this blog.  None of which I can successfully and fully do without Him.  Living in this season of life has never ending laundry, dishes, cluttery messes strewn through the house, time is filled to the brim and simple tasks like getting in the car take 100x longer than they used to... All of these things are things to be thankful for; what Ann Voskamp would call "ugly beautiful" Is it fun to never be finished with laundry having a full load to put in a couple times a day? no. That laundry; however, is a sign that 6 people live in my home 5 of which are the loves of my life.  I could make a list of 1000 things solely about them. I am thankful for my life as it is.  Do I have regret that has crushed me under its weight? yes. I did, but Christ lifted that regret off of me.  I had a childhood/ adolescence full of emotional pain that attempted to smother me to death... Christ saved me in the middle of that and has slowly changed my heart of bitterness, resentment, and regret. Jesus saves. Do I still have "life happen"? yes. Life is not pain free and no one's life runs the way they would wish it, regardless I'll keep it just the way it is because Christ led me to where I am and I feel more settled here than I ever have in my life.
Thankful for the painful & easy removal of all this yuck in my heart for what is filling the empty places is far more wonderful.

blessings.

The further I read into "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore the more I see that every single person on the face of the earth has some kind of issue with insecurity, whether major or mini.  According to Beth, there are several roots to it, I have 4 of the 6 or 7 she names. Lovely. Sarcasm.  Perfectionism is insecurity in overdrive,  I have pride issues too, I'm sensitive or I was before I built a huge wall around myself after childhood "trauma", and I have a learning disability & recently diagnosed ADD.  It's fairly obvious how most of these stack up to insecurity, I never thought that pride would fit in there.  Pride is tricky because when I don't live up to my own standards of myself I have easily ended up with suicidal thoughts or at least will be really hard on myself & I've recently realized how competitive I am and really want to be the best at something. UGH! it does nothing but create a superiority complex. double ugh! When I read the traits that I carry earlier I was disgusted, like taking a sip of cooking oil thinking it was tea.  Then I took a huge step back from myself and a step toward God and simply asked for forgiveness for my pride, as I prayed pride kept trying to overthrow the prayer with excusses and really there are none & God knows it all anyway. So after I muddled through that God conversation I received forgiveness and it was super freeing.  He has already purged a little of this issue out, maybe a lot, I'm not sure really. I'm just happy to be getting rid of it, insecurity and all the roots beneath need be pulled out!!  The truth of the matter is that God yearns to reveal our significance and purpose to each of us which is why we struggle with superiority in the first place.  God made each of us with a special purpose and an immense amount of significance, we need  to ask to be guided into this and He will take us there.

I "accidently" ran into Isaiah 40:31 again tonight, "but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength, They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" (NIV).  Remember, the KJV reads "wait" instead of "hope".  My hope is in the Lord for Him to change me, I wait on Him to change me from the inside out.   Then I will mount up and the glory is all about Him.  How glorious He is.  Waiting daily in praise and thanksgiving.  He wants to bless us, to surprise & excite us, to have an intimate relationship with us.  Today, I took my girls and niece to get icecream as a surprise, it was so much fun to give them something fun!!  When they're throwing fits about what they want and can't have doing something fun like that is not on the priority list, a punishment maybe but not icecream treats!! The punishment makes it so they recognize themselves and will act appropriately, strengthening our relationship, & then it is easy and fun and a priority to reward them. God works this way. He so wants to have a good time with us, but how much of a good time can you have with whinny, ingrates?  The more thankful we are the closer we'll get to Him, the more intimate we'll be able to be with Him, and the more we'll recognize and fully receive His many many, temporal and eternal blessings.

I feel so thankful for a God who is willing to work with us to get us to intimacy with Him and significance in Him. Blessed beyond belief.  Its all blessing.

giving

God, He is constantly giving to us.  Giving, giving, giving.  Sit in depression and self consumption long enough and you won't see it, I didn't.
Look around. See the flowers? The many depths of blue in the sky through out every season's change? A young child's laughter? Your favorite food? Any and all things that you enjoy are from God. 
And as for the things that feel so painful? They have their reason and purpose too, God will even turn the ugliest thing that He didn't want to happen but allowed to happen for our good. He promises, Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." That's you.

When we choose to thank God for the things He has already given to us we unwrap the gift of joy and intimacy with Him.  We can find comfort in Him because He is more than strong enough to handle anything we ever go through.  Keep a list of His blessings, count to 1000 and keep going.

2 Corinthians 1:3-10:
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort" (NIV).

Deuteronomy 31:8:
"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

I'm definitely enjoying the joy I've received today.  So thankful that He gives and gives of Himself in addition to all the earthly pleasures He gives, His giving is how and why He will carry us daily.

vomit

When God purges the ugly out of me it is similar to vomiting. Yep, I said it. Vomit.  I hate, hate, hate to vomit. HATE! but don't we usually feel better after its said and done with? Our stomach turns because of a virus or something bad we ate and attempts to rid the body of the toxin.  That's what God does for us; He rids us of the toxic thoughts, and habits, and all unconscience ugly. As each part is purged He replaces it with more of Himself until we achieve complete intimacy with Him.  In her book Ann confirms and describes this notion I've had for so long, confirmed the accuracy of this prayer I've prayed for so long.  Me, "Lord please take all this 'yuck' out of my life and replace it with You." The part that I didn't realize of this means is what the end would be which is the intimacy with God.  I can't really describe what that looks like, because though I'm working toward it I've never achieved that full intimacy with Him only bits of intimacy here and there.  Ann has... read her book, "One Thousand Gifts"... she found it and testifies of it!!

Currently God is purging me of this insecurity issue I have, of feeling rejected, living in depression replaying the ugly self hate thoughts on a continuous reel in my mind, of this complaining heart, of the consistent bad attitude, of this bitterness that keeps returning like that cat that came back... It feels like vomiting, but I'm willing to be purged of this yuck to receive more of Him to gain the sweet succulent fruit of the Spirit in its place.  He promises unity with Him, more comes even after salvation until we find full intimacy with Him.  1 Corinthians 6:17, "But the person who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him."  John 14:20, "I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you."  John 15:4, "Remain in me, and I will remain in you."

Ann found this sheer, pure, full, satisfying intimacy with Him through practicing and then living thanks giving to Him for all the little things in life that He gives to us to bless our lives, like the sound of the ocean roaring onto the sands of the beach & gleeful squeals and giggles from young children, and, and, and... I've started my own list and am bumping it up a notch as she did leading the way for anyone to follow straight to intimate living with/ in Christ.  After I've gained health after the vomit, these spiritual toxins I carry around will be gone away from me, I will have found more joy having day by day given thanks to the One Who gave it all.  Gaining a little more joy and a little more intimacy with each passing day as I lose what I don't want anyway! It's an unfair trade with a wonderful God.

Seeking more of Him. Daily.

My list is under one of those black links to the right.

God's Currency

I cannot move forward in my perfectionistic insecurity & also walk in the will of God! It's impossible. Insecurity is made of up of self thinking & me-centeredness while security in Christ is in itself Christ-centeredness.  If I am to become God focused rather than me focused I must allow the sloughing away of these perfectionistic insecurities, be willing to it. It is painful. It is necessary.  I cannot be made into the person He created me to be without this washing away of self.

In "One Thousand Gifts" Ann Voskamp quotes Dorothy Sayers, "whenever man is made the centre of things, he becomes the storm-centre of trouble.  The moment you think of serving people, you begin to have a notion that other people owe you something for your pains... You will begin to bargain for reward, to angle for applause."  Ann quotes Mother Theresa, "The work we do is only our love for Jesus in action... If we pray the work... if we do it to Jesus, if we do it for Jesus, if we do it with Jesus... That's what makes us content."   Again she quotes Matthew 20:28 (MSG), "That is what the Son of Man has done: He came to serve, not be served-- and then to give away his life in exchange for the many who are held hostage." and Hebrews 13:6, "The Lord is my helper." She says, "Eucharisteo has taught me to trust that there is always enough God.  He has no end. He calls us to serve, and it is Him whom we serve, but He, very God, kneels down to serve us as we serve... God extravagantly pays back everything we give away and exactly in the currency that is not of this world but the one we yearn for: Joy in Him."

As Solomon insists in Ecclesiates, all things are meaningless apart from God, all things are vain when God is not in them.  Sure we can enjoy our work, but with God things are grander than they are otherwise and they mean something in eternity not only in this whisper of a life.  There is absolutely no way I'll be able to do the things He wants of me and continue to be concerned with other's disapproval or rejection.

I feel like I've just had this huge Aha! moment.  Lord please continue to drain and rinse this perfectionism for others out of me, replacing it with a true love and willingness to be filled by you and used by you.  Please fix me.  Carry me.

wait

Today I read Isaiah 40:31 with fresh eyes, ^" But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint" (KJV).
I have this tendency to hear something from God and then to barrel ahead to achieve it.  My girls ages 7 and 5 do the same thing with me; I tell them of a future activity and they want to go now.  Right now.  When I was pregnant with Amelia they really had to learn to wait.  Every couple of days we'd go through the list of all the celebrations we had to have before she would be born: Christmas, Valentines Day, StPatricks Day, Easter, Dance Recital, Mommy Day, Memorial Day/Beach trip, then the baby will be ready.  They get so excited about a promise I make them that we'll do something cool and nothing in the present seems to satisfy them as much as that fulfilled promise would fulfill them, but they have to wait on me & time.  In the mean time I so want them to enjoy the day, to play and laugh and have fun being a child. Most of the time they do, but every now and then they'll get in a rut and be bored just thinking about future fun.  I am exactly like this with God. Exactly.
I wanted to find the man of my dreams when I was 17, someone who would love me for me and I prayed for that, and I prayed that we'd be prepared for each other ahead of time... We met just before turning 24.  Seven is the number of perfection and after 7 years I met that man and didn't even know it.  After a few months of hanging out with him strictly as friends, God told me that I loved him.  I had no idea.  I thought love was supposed to be some gushy romantic thing, but he was such a great friend... besides that I was super hung up on the guy I had seen before meeting him.  God had to un-hang me and get me on the right track with the right guy.  I definetly didn't think I was the right person for him and vise-versa, but God had other plans, I'm so unbelievably happy I listened to God!
I'm in a new season of waiting which really is learning to enjoy today as it is for we are not promised tomorrow. Learning to be thankful for all the things God does all throughout the day. Learning to only plan ahead what I can actually plan ahead like homeschooling, and not planning things I have no control over planning quite yet.  I can only divulge what God has said to me and I know nothing more. In other words, I only know what I know and I don't know what I don't know.  Learning to be happy in today and not letting other's perceived judgments of me direct me.  Only God & my husband have that right.  Happy in today being led solely by God, fully relying on Him.  Learning. This verse was so encouraging to come across today as I learn to wait on Him while  enjoying Him in today. Happily & expectantly waiting.  Counting my blessings each day.  Learning to be settled and rested in Him. Carried.

Shackled to Bridezilla

9 years ago today I married the man who far exceeds anything I could've ever dreamed up in a man. I prayed and prayed for him before ever meeting him, it is clear in many ways how God intervened in his life before we met and how He truly did prepare us for one another while we were apart, before we met. Praying for a spouse is the single best gift we could ever give him/ her & oneself!
9 years ago we married. 9 years ago I was painfully insecure. The whole time we dated I 'just knew' he'd change, so far he'd been a really great guy one of the best, but I was so afraid that all of who he was would contort into a huge jerk. He never changed and he's still the best guy! I'm blessed to be able to call him mine!
9 years ago in the last days following up to the wedding I was suffocating under the pressure of my insecurity, trying to make everything perfect so that only good things would be said about my wedding. It backfired. Appearance took the forefront of my perfectionism and people... people did not. If you know me then you know that I want to be friends with everyone and if I meet you then we're friends. Its just how it is. Its how Scott and I ended up together in the first place. So I met all kinds of new people at our rehearsal dinner and wedding, but I was so obsessed with everything 'looking' perfect & getting things done that I never did get to hang out with the people. I ended up being labeled Bridezilla. Yes.. a couple years later it was said to my face. Fun. Both my inability to live in the moment & my perfectionism fed by insecurity took over, I wish I could change that. I'm sure all of Scott's friends that I hadn't yet met thought I was a huge... mmm.... bridezilla. Like I said I was suffocating under my own pressure. Remembering that always tastes like gravel.
9 years ago I was so obsessed with doing everything just right that I took all the advice that I read or was told concerning our wedding, though my Mother might disagree. . The only thing in the wedding that was something I wanted to do was face the guests. Funny how I didn't treat them how I really felt about them and there was a time that I was really big on first impressions. Figures.
In the years preceding and following I even decorated my living space the way other people suggested. One of Scott's friends called me on it a few years ago, thanks Javier. Its been really freeing to get rid of so much stuff that I really didn't like anyway but was bound to for one reason or another.
9 years ago until maybe 6 or 7 years ago I thought for sure that Scott had married the wrong girl! I did not think I was good enough for him. We were both happily married, I just thought he deserved better. And why would anyone love me enough to want to stay with me anyway. In reality we're perfect for each other. We both treat each other with dignity & respect & with a ton of love; have we both faltered on that at times? Yes. But we're both totally thankful for each other!!
I've always been so concerned with what other's thought of me that the recent breakdown & sloughing away of it all is freeing... pardon me if I pass gas in front of you while I regain balance in social appropriateness, because right now I'm really not caring. I feel much more free but there is a part of me where I still feel shackled, like I'm trying to walk away but some random thought will jerk me back. What is that anyway? Even the details of buying our next home are drowned with concerns of what others might think... both what my current friends would think & what the friends of the little girl in me would think. Ugh. Its maddening.
God is so awesome and amazing to bring all kinds of specifics concerning this issue to the forefront. He is certainly washing it out. I'm reminded of this 10 year old Christian song that was sung at the event Scott and I met at on the National Mall... "Take these Shackels off my feet so I can dance, I just want to praise Him, I just want to praise Him..." here's link if you want to listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EmKt-EqGJyc

the most

I hid away in the bathroom today. Praying. Searching for a few minutes of uninterrupted time with God. Searching for God.  His voice got drowned out by my own in the past couple or few days, I'm not sure which.  His voice got drowned out by all my insecurities about myself, what other's might think, trying to say the 'right' thing, etc...  He answered very quietly to my heart telling me that these things are being purged out so that I can learn to fully rely on Him & learn how to drop all the garble going on in my mind so that I can hear Him.
Oh.
I hadn't seen what He was telling me.  He said that my insecurities will absolutely keep me from accomplishing the things He wants for me in that I would not be completely relying on Him.  Insecurity makes other people & myself more important than God... He is most important. I am second. Others are third and in a particular order.  It all seems to blend and mesh even when they are in the best order.  I don't want to keep caring so much what another person thinks of me that Christ gets washed away in the flood of my insecurity. I want to care so much what Christ thinks that it is obvious and He is honored, which bottom line is the most loving and caring thing to do for every relationship in my life.

think.

I memorized these verses as a senior in high school, thanks Mr. Weber:  "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."-Philippians 4:6-9, NIV. 
I heard it read over the airwaves of KLOVE today and thought about what it is I'm attempting to do in finding all sorts of things to be thankful for throughout the day.  God's promise is to guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus, that the God of peace will be with us.. in a way that we can't even understand! woohoo. I definitely need the kind that can't be understood!  Practicing thinking on such things is what I'm going to keep doing... little by little, much by much, failing forward to success. Carried.

Whole.

According to Beth Moore, perfectionism is insecurity at its finest. Guilty.  If I don't think I can do something and do it well I don't bother. Failure is not an option... when it happens... when I don't live up to my own expectations of myself I swim in self loathing.  It happens because my eyes are so often on me, such is the same with most people.  Everyone is insecure in some way, this is not to mean timid or shy, insecure is much different... read Beth Moore's "So Long Insecurity" for more insight. In the book she quotes Joseph Nowinshi's definition: "Insecurity refers to a profound sense of self-doubt -- a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world.  insecurity is associated with chronic self-consiousness, along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about our relationships.  The insecure man or woman lives in constant fear of rejection and a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate."

I've also been reading "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp, a life changing book everyone should read, she declares that thanksgiving--heartfelt thanksgiving to God-- is the cure for so many things. Through it God gives joy, trust, peace... it cures soul level sadness, unbelief, fear...  I wouldn't be surprised at all if it cured insecurity, because thankfulness for all the little things all around us & naming them individually & specifically will take my eyes off of me bit by bit over time. God redeems.

I so want to live wholly and to holy live.  I'm more and more confident that this giving Thanks to the One who gave it all will certainly pound out the yuck, the pounding is what is painful.  But as my husband would say, "I'm down"... I'm totally down.  Let's do this thing... fiercely fighting to find the "eucharisteó" (Voskamp references this Greek word throughout her book) thanksgiving in my moment by moment living so that I can fiercely live as Christ intended.  Facing it with fierce intensity will indeed drill me through the pain in order to find full living.

Learning to live in the moment with Thanksgiving.  Practice. Practice.

insecure.

I think this insecurity of mine has waxed my soul thin.  So thin that the present is pain, it is where the real me lives (or the me that I perceive) and it is painful.  I'm pretty sure that this is not how God sees me, at least I hope not.  This bout of sadness I'm recently experiencing is far different than times before when I would totally shut down & shut everyone out.  I can feel it being sloughed away, its still just as painful but we have to experience those things that God releases us from in order to be released.  Steady me God, Carry me Lord. I cannot move forward without You.  I'm pretty sure that this new habit of gratitude for everything I can find to be thankful for is part of what is pounding this painful insecurity out of me. You can read it by hovering the cursor over one of those black bars to the right.  Carried. Hopeful. Thankful. Redeemable.

Present

When I was a child, I yearned to be an adult.  Yearned may be an understatement. I felt trapped. Trapped at school, trapped at home, trapped in a child's body.  Finally becoming an adult thrusted great freedom upon me, just as I had hoped.  I don't remember ever really enjoying childhood... hm... maybe at the pool... watching my dad kick a ball to the sun & its return back to earth.  Super cool.  Playing with my sisters as a very young child, when life had no worry, when I felt accepted.  I'm not writing this to tell a sob story, I know lots of people who had a far far worse childhood than I did & some who had a much much better one than me.  Regardless, the point I'm making is that I always looked ahead to something else, something more... Flash forward to adulthood.  The planning & looking ahead never stops.   I like being an adult much more than I liked childhood, but I constantly plan for the next thing or look back on the past.  It is very very seldom that I settle in the present. When I do I'm generally admiring the excitement and wonderment of my children, they are precious.   The present-- time-- is a present to be unwrapped, to be thankful for, to be cherished.  Unwrapping the gift is what makes life worthwhile.  God has been trying to teach me this for quite sometime, I've been stubborn and short sighted.  I constantly demand more guidance toward the future, not seeing that He is guiding me to be still in the present that I might fully enjoy the present now and when the future becomes the present.

After reading chapter 4 of "one thousand gifts" by AnnVoskamp it became abundantly clear what God has been trying to show me all this time!!  Thank you Ann for allowing God to grow you up in Him & for being brave enough to share all your "stuff" in a book for the world to read.  Here are a few snippets from this amazing book:

"Time is life.  And if I want the fullest life, I need to find fullest time."
"God gives us time. And who has time for God?  Which makes no sense."
"Being in a hurry. Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me.  I cannot think of a single advantage I've ever gained from being in a hurry.  But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing... Through all that haste I thought I was making up time.  It turns out I was throwing it away."
"On every level of life, from housework to heights of prayer, in all judgment and efforts to get things done, hurry and impatience are sure marks of the amateur."
"Hurry always empties a soul."
"Thanks makes now a sanctuary."
"I awake to I AM here. When I'm present, I meet I AM, the very presence of a present God.  In His embrace, time loses all sense of speed and stress and space and stands so still and... holy."
"I want to savor long whatever time holds."

I want to start living in the moment, being all here instead of all in the future or all in the past.  Every season will be so much more wonderful, pure, thick, in the presence of God. Today. Now. In this very moment. Living today in sheer thankfulness for everything in each moment.

struggle

I'm still reading"66 Love Letters" by Larry Crabb.  He is talking about the Love of God in the portion i read today.  Isn't it true that we all come to the hard things in life and our image of our Creator gets rocked to the core.  If God Loved me then He wouldn't have done xy or z.  Right? I've lived in that. I've also lived in- How could God Love me I've done xy & z.  This is certainly a distorted view of God.  It is a lie. I need to see and understand the truth from the Word of God, which Crabb is writting on concerning the books of the prophets Isaiah-Malachi. I'll quote him:
"... A God who loves me and can do anything adds up to a wonderful life for me.  It follows, as surely as bliss follows every wedding, that God's story of love tells the story of blessings for me.    Or does it? Maybe my understnading of love is in need of radical revision...With out giving it much thought, I assume that someone with the resources to love me well would satisfy the deepest desires of which I'm aware and would solve whatever problems I perceive as standing in the way of my satisfaction.  But suppose for some reason that I'm unaware of what I really do want the most, what I was wired by my Creator to enjoy.  Suppose I'm like a child who sees candy in the bowl and broccoli on her plate and, quite innocently, reaches for the candy.  If she gives it a thought, she expects her mother will smile and push the candy within reach for her outstretched arm.   Add to the fable the child's diabetes, a problem she neither recognizes nor undertands but a problem that consumes her mother's attention.  As the mother pulls the candy bowl out of the child's reach, then points to the broccoli and gently but firmly orders:  'Eat!'  I can hear the three-year-old's confused whimpering, 'Mommy, I dont like broccoli.  Why can't I have the candy? Don't you love me?'"

I feel like that child, expecting only what I think is perfect and best for me and those I love... expecting to be free of pain and sadness.  Life is full of pain and sadness, but His promises to be there through them all are solid. He is our firm foundation... on Christ the solid Rock I'll stand, all other ground is sinking sand--the old hymn rings in my ears.  I got used to that sinking sand, it was a sad and lonely place... I like the comfort of God during sadness and all other times better.

Recently I saw a Pinterest link in the fitness section. I go to that section a lot for motivation.  Anyway, I found this one that said, "Strength is the result of Struggle".  Truth.  In order to grow up in Christ we have to struggle some, its part of all things regarding strength.  Of course some struggle (not all) has to do with sin--personal or acted upon us-- sin is never what God wants, but He will use it for His good (Romans 8:28).  God is good.  God is Love. God is holy.  I am so thankful He is helping me to become who He created me to be, struggle and all.

thankful

Most of my life I've felt like I didn't -- don't-- measure up, that I'm not good enough.  I don't really remember a time that I  believed otherwise.  There may have been periods of pride, the pride that boils up and over-- judging.  Judging things like cussing and the woman who lets her boobs hang out of her shirt; both of which I'm recently guilty of.  Stupid.  So stupid.  Words are just words, the attitude behind the words, the heart behind the words is what God is concerned with.  Modesty is important, but don't judge, we all need to learn... practice... what God wants of us. We each have our own topic.
I never felt smart. I still don't.  I repeated a grade in elementary school after my parents divorced and we moved 2 states away.  That was the nail in the coffin; I am stupid.  It was years before I ever even bothered trying to achieve anything academically.  When I did start trying, I was always on the "honors list."  Figures.  God changed my heart about education and gave me a reason to want to learn and do well, and I did.  That's just the start of my list of not measuring up which spirals into a myriad of emotional issues.

God says we are each worth while and He loves us each beyond our imagination. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." He reaches into each of us takes our hand where we are weakest and performs a miracle in our lives to show His glory.  He is amazing, He measures up, He is more than good enough & He lives in me & in anyone who asks.  I am so thankful for His righteousness, because my own righteousness is a mess and does nothing to protect my heart.  If I want my heart protected I must wear His righteousness-- the breastplate talked about in Ephesians 6.  I think I put the breastplate of spiritual tinfoil on again this week, self-righteousness, because I put on these old insecure feelings. God's righteousness does away with insecurity and failure and pride and all those other things that are self-righteous, He died and rose again to make that possible. My heart has hurt this week and I've been trying to figure out why-- this is why.  What and "Aha!" moment I'm having.

I read today in "one thousand gifts" how prayerful specific thanksgiving will pound out the 'yuck' in our lives.  I am hopeful.

Word

I've read a lot in the last 24 hours, more than I have in weeks. 

I started reading "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp, she is probably the most talented writer I've ever had the privilege to read.  If you read any book this summer, read this one.  God's love is real, His love is true, she is living proof.

I also finished Psalms and have read 1/2 of Proverbs, I wish there were more time available to read more. My soul felt so much better than it has in the last few days having read (eaten the Word). 

John 1:1-4, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God ,and the Word was God.  He was in the beginning with God.  All things came into being by Him, and apart from Him nothing came into being that has come into being."  This verse is talking about Jesus, who is the Word.

Luke 22:14-20

"When the hour came, Jesus and his apostles reclined at the table. And he said to them, “I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer. For I tell you, I will not eat it again until it finds fulfillment in the kingdom of God.”  After taking the cup, he gave thanks and said, “Take this and divide it among you.  For I tell you I will not drink again of the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes.”  And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.”  In the same way, after the supper he took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you."

We can follow after what Jesus was saying at the "Last Supper" by reading, studying, and living the Bible which is the Word of God, Jesus.  I feel so much that I need to dig deeper still.  Deep into the Word, learning and washing myself in the truth of God's Great Love.  I want more of Him to be filled with Him to constant overflowing.  I feel like I'm far from that, I'm so easily distracted by other things that don't really matter at all. How can I be filled more Lord? I sense that He continues to point me to His Word, the Bible, each time I ask.  I'm eating the Word... more.

endurance

The psalmist repeats over and over, "His love endures forever".  When a writer is repetitive it is meant to show significance, its a call to pay attention to what's being said. This psalm is a reminder of what God had to do to save the Isrealites from living as slaves in Egypt, he does the same for us today.  No I am not an Isrealite nor am I a slave to Egypt; however, I am a believer who needed saving from slavery to sin and who daily need saving from the sin that still lives in me.  The first is an invitation for God to come live in my heart and forgive me for my sin (salvation) and the second is sanctification a purifying process.  Jesus saves, plain and simple He performs miracles in my life over and over.  I'm so so glad I'm not who I could have been had I not asked Him to save me.  So thankful.

Psalm 136.
1Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good.
His love endures forever.
² Give thanks to the God of gods.
His love endures forever.
³ Give thanks to the Lord of lords:
His love endures forever.

⁴ to him who alone does great wonders,
His love endures forever.
⁵ who by his understanding made the heavens,
His love endures forever.
⁶ who spread out the earth upon the waters,
His love endures forever.
⁷ who made the great lights —
His love endures forever.
⁸ the sun to govern the day,
His love endures forever.
⁹ the moon and stars to govern the night;
His love endures forever.

¹⁰ to him who struck down the firstborn of Egypt
His love endures forever.
¹¹ and brought Israel out from among them
His love endures forever.
¹² with a mighty hand and outstretched arm;
His love endures forever.

¹³ to him who divided the Red Sea asunder
His love endures forever.
¹⁴ and brought Israel through the midst of it,
His love endures forever.
¹⁵ but swept Pharaoh and his army into the Red Sea;
His love endures forever.

¹⁶ to him who led his people through the wilderness;
His love endures forever.

¹⁷ to him who struck down great kings,
His love endures forever.
¹⁸ and killed mighty kings —
His love endures forever.
¹⁹ Sihon king of the Amorites
His love endures forever.
²⁰ and Og king of Bashan —
His love endures forever.
²¹ and gave their land as an inheritance,
His love endures forever.
²² an inheritance to his servant Israel.
His love endures forever.

²³ He remembered us in our low estate
His love endures forever.
²⁴ and freed us from our enemies.
His love endures forever.
²⁵ He gives food to every creature.
His love endures forever.

²⁶ Give thanks to the God of heaven.
His love endures forever.

all-nighter

To be perfectly honest, today has been sort of a weird day... maybe week.  In my heart I feel like I just went out with my best friend and we sat there having said a few really important things and then spent several hours in silence.  I need some significant time alone with Him...

I think we all have a list of excuses, but time is so valuable and I am so guilty of flitting it away with nonsense. I'm currently trying to determine how to spend my time & order my home to live most efficiently.  I realize I am being super methodical, but ordering a home of a family of 6 is nothing like it was when there were only 2 or 3 of us!! Trust me.  If I'm going to have regular significant prayer time that is un-distracted I'm just going to have to do it this way.  Tho a pastor I used to know used to say, "sometimes getting with God just has to start with an all-nighter", or something like that.  Today, I definitely feel like I could use that... maybe a drive to the beach and back would do my God relationship good.

I'm going to go devour some of the Word now that my house is quiet.  Feast with me. <3

Passion Notes

When I picked up my Bible to get in the Word today a little card with sermon notes slipped out.  As I started reading I was enamored by the truth of every word.  It's titled: What Steals Your Passion; and as I read through it was obvious to be that my passion had both been stolen and recently restored one thing at a time! Amazing.  So I thought I'd share these sermon notes with you all just as they were written on this little note card:

John 10.  here's a link to it:  http://niv.scripturetext.com/john/10.htm
"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing" -Helen Keller.

What Steals Passion
1. an unclear purpose.
    -Rick Warren wrote a book called "Purpose Driven Life" that is a great read to find clarity
    - (on a side note from these sermon notes, "The Dream Giver" by Bruce Wilkenson is a wonderful book to read if you're trying to figure out what in the world God is doing in your life concerning purpose.
*God has given me purpose on top of purpose, clarified it, I've had to give it back & then re-receive it while still making God more important that it, he has re-clarified it over and over again... the cycle is so interesting & pointed out clearly in Wilkenson's book!

2. an unbalanced schedule
   -overworked
   - too much of myself is wrapped up in one thing
   -compassion fatigue
   -insecurity
*God has been working on my schedule over and over for several years now. He has been teaching me about time management for as long as I can remember.  Recently, He has been clearing out a bunch of things that are really just time wasters and clearly He is creating balance.  I didn't recognize that until I read this point from my notes.

3. unresolved conflict
    -leads to bitterness & lack of love
    -resentment destroys the fool and jealously the simple
    - Forgive & let God deal with it.
*bleh. this is not always very fun. sifting through deep hurt only to finally turn it over to God and forgive finally gaining peace and freedom is not comfortable or exciting to go through, its actually pretty painful.  What is on the other side of all that hurt is God, which ultimately means peace.  Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to be BFFs with the one you're forgiving, it doesn't even mean you have to be around them, but it does mean that you have to let go of the hurt and pain that person knowingly or unknowingly inflicted. 

4. no support
   -being alone
   - no connection with others
   -lets not forsake the assembling of ourselves together with believers
*God has given me some pretty amazing friends.  I don't think I could have asked for any better! One friend in particular and I seem to be being taught the same thing by God all the time and in completely and totally different ways.  Its pretty unbelievable.  I'm very thankful for such an awesome sister in Christ to have to walk together in Him. I'm thankful for so many families that we are connected to, I used to be so alone and now I'm anything but alone!

5. an unexamined self
   - in games there is time to stop for a break and thats what needs to happen in life too. This is why God wants us to rest one full day a week- Sabbath.
    -get rid of sin in life
    -man doesn't live by bread alone (Matthew 4:4)
*um. well I think this blog petty much shows that I'm examining my heart and my walk with Him on a daily basis extremely consistently!  I realized early on that this kind of thing hadn't happened in a while, but that God wanted this kind of commitment out of me so that I would be searching for God to teach me something every single day... that I'd be completely aware of His presence and work in my life.

6. an un-applied truth: we have to keep ourselves in the Word
    -when it's un-applied we know what it says but don't live it out.
    -Romans 2
*I've been thinking of this concept for a few weeks now.  Direct disobedience toward God and thus un-applied truth  leads straight to a luke warm heart (Rev. 3:16). There are far too many Christians living like this, and none of them are happy. These are the Christians pointing fingers but not living a life that is Spirit led.  These Christians are stuck in a really scary place.

7. unexpressed faith.



How to Restore Passion
1. Check on my Spiritual Progress Daily, Weekly...
2. Hear the Word
3. Act on the Word
4. Tell others the Good News (Romans 10:15).
    -

Starving?

Some days... ok. a lot of days lately seem like I've barely gotten in the Word or talked with God.  I'm parched and hungry.  Its like I've had a few grapes and went on about my day. If I were to do that physically I'd be in pain by the end of the day, I kind of feel like that today.  Of course today is Saturday and not quite as structured as M-F, I don't do any of the same things on Saturday as I do the rest of the days.  I used to go months without reading the Bible; I was an anorexic Christian.

I'm tired of being hungry; I want to be satisfied as the scripture I've shared the last 2 days says I can be.  Don't you want the same thing?  Let's get wrapped up in God's Word together!  What have you read from the Bible lately that God used to speak to your heart?

<3

Thristy?

These 2 verses are my favorites from yesterday:

"Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things". - Psalm 107:9


"When your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart's delight, for I bear your name, O LORD God Almighty." -Jeremiah 15:16

Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”  -John 4:13-14

"On the last and greatest day of the Feast, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, “If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him.” By this he meant the Spirit, whom those who believed in him were later to receive. Up to that time the Spirit had not been given, since Jesus had not yet been glorified. " --John 7:37-39


God is saying, 'I can satisfy you, if you come to me and believe in me'

When I eat & drink healthy and regular meals throughout the day, I feel totally satisfied. I can function well, I have more energy, I feel less bloat, it truly is the same way spiritually too.  I want so much to eat more of His word.  Eating spiritually healthy will most definitely help my spiritual body to grow big and strong.  I can't help but remember that old 80s milk ad, "Milk. It does a body good." There's controversy of the accuracy of that milk ad today, but I tell you when we read scripture it does us good.  There are so many verses in the Psalms that talk about eating the scripture and how good it tastes & how satisfying it is.  There are scripture passages that can help us with all kinds of problems, just check out a "God's Promises" book sometime (its a book that categorizes scripture based on questions and issues people have). 

I want more of the Spirit (drink) and more of the Word (food), I picture a huge feast, like the Thanksgivings our grandmothers used to put on (maybe your family still does it that way), I want to feast on the Word and let it completely satisfy me.  There are parts of me that do look forward to the unhealthy dessert both spiritually and physically, and there probably is a time and place for the sinless kind & the physical chocolate cake.  But reading these scriptures that I posted today and yesterday I want to get to the point where I'm doing it regularly and am totally satisfied in His Word and in His Spirit.  No longer hungry or thirsty trying to find anything to eat or drink apart from Him... after all drinking spiritual gasoline is not what was intended for us... What was intended was for us all was for us to drink Living Water who is the Spirit of God.

Hungry?

In the past few weeks I keep coming across scripture (unintentionally) that has to do with "eating" the Word of God, that it is like honey. Here are a few to read and think on; I will add to the list and comment tomorrow. <3

Psalm 81:10 “I am the Lord, your God, the one who brought you out of the land of Egypt. Open your mouth wide and I will fill it!” 

 Jesus said to them, “Very truly I tell you, it is not Moses who has given you the bread from heaven, but it is my Father who gives you the true bread from heaven. For the bread of God is the bread that comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.” “Sir,” they said, “always give us this bread.” Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty. John 6:32-35

"Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things". - Psalm 107:9


"When your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart's delight, for I bear your name, O LORD God Almighty." -Jeremiah 15:16

"And he said to me, “Son of man, eat what is before you, eat this scroll; then go and speak to the people of Israel.” ² So I opened my mouth, and he gave me the scroll to eat.
³ Then he said to me, “Son of man, eat this scroll I am giving you and fill your stomach with it.” So I ate it, and it tasted as sweet as honey in my mouth".-- Ezekiel 3:1-3

Strength

Today I had the opportunity to get some home school planning done! It was so nice to have the time to do it!  What I need to get done is not even close to complete, but the curriculum for next year has been chosen, the breaks have been scheduled, & summer school goals have been set.  I think I've decided that year round school is a good idea in theory so we're going to give it a go.  It'll make traveling here and there more doable anyway; we'll see how it goes.
As I planned today, I noticed that I was partly excited and partly dreadful about this next round of home schooling.  I recognized that I don't really feel like pushing ahead, I don't feel like staying organized, I don't feel like being perfectly consistent; it hit me I don't really feel like being disciplined.  Maybe this is a way God is implementing the fruit of the spirit, self-control?  I recognize that the way I and maybe most people view self control is restraint from doing something wrong that I'm tempted to do, but is that really the only way to have self-control?  Control of one's self may just be doing something that I don't feel like doing, but I suppose that is restraint from laziness isn't it? hm. sorry, I'm just thinking "out loud" here.  Each summer I consider sending the children to traditional school and the main reason I want to choose it is for my own laziness.  I am not saying that those who send their children to traditional school are lazy mind you, but that the reason I would is for sake of my own laziness.  I think we each try to make the best decision for our children/ family that we can and for some of us the best thing is traditional school!!   There are so many other things I'd rather do in my day, not to mention I love living a spontaneous day, but I think God is teaching me discipline and self control by using my decision to home school.  It becomes very taxing to stay so perfectly on top of it while there are so many things besides school to be on top of.  Last year I learned that having a set plan works wonders and not having a set plan makes the wonder turn to confusion and things dont really work out quite as smoothly.  The push of all of it is fun in many ways and strenuous in others, I'm confident that the strain produces strength. One of the ways God is making me strong using this season of home schooling for something in my future, because according to Deuteronomy 31:8 He is not only here with me in my present but already ahead of me in my future!
I'm so so thankful that He truly carries me daily and that He has all my days completely in His hands! Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
What is He doing in your life that is producing present strain, but will eventually produce strength for something in your future?

Love

Proverbs 3:3-8

3Let love and faithfulness never leave you;

bind them around your neck,

write them on the tablet of your heart.

4Then you will win favor and a good name

in the sight of God and man.

5Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

6in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight.^a

7Do not be wise in your own eyes;

fear the Lord and shun evil.

8This will bring health to your body

and nourishment to your bones. 

This little passage of scripture has stuck with me for a long time now. This is how I read and interpret it:

3&4: God is Love to us and He is faithful to us so that we can also love him and be faithful to Him. This is such an important truth to remember that the psalmist said to bind it around our necks!! I have the image of a neck tattoo in my mind; its so bold and unforgettable! (don't worry friends I'm not going to go out and get this tattooed on my neck ;). )  But you see the point of how important this is right?  1 John 4:19 says, "We love because he first loved us" (NIV).  This truth is applicable to both loving God as the KJV translates and to loving others as the NLT translates.  I like the NIV's translation because we can love PERIOD, because He first freely gave His Love to us.  This verse is a 2 way street where we meet God.  Winning favor has everything to do with how much we love.  Don't you enjoy being with people who genuinely love you?

5: sometimes trusting God can been down right scary because what He wants us to trust Him with might seem impossible (like Joshua and the battle of Jericho- He trusted God that the walls of the city would come down with a shout.  I wonder how many practical people thought He was nuts.  Trusting God may not always seem practical or easy or realistic; but we are not to lean on our own understanding.... God sees the Big Picture and only hindsight is 20/20 for us humans.

6&7: ask Him what to do and do it, and your path in life will be straight!  I'm picturing the alternative of rocky, hilly, windy roads; this is where disobedience lies and it is why so many of us feel like our entire lives are uphill.  My own wisdom will always take me down a painful path appart from God.  If I'd just stop trying to figure out everything on my own and acknowledge God he will take me exactly where I need to go.

8: Another translations says that these things will bring us satisfaction in Him.  Complete peace is in God which is where we'll be when we follow along with Him in these ways.  When I read health I think of  emotional and spiritual health, it probably has a lot to do with physical health too. 

Anyway, this is something I'm working on. 

*Receiving His Love

*Loving Him back

*Trusting Him

*Acknowledging Him

*becoming Healed & Nourished--resting in Satisfaction in Him

**Doesn't all this spell out Fully Relying on God? He wants all of each of us! My whole self, this is how to get there, but we have to open His Gift of Love FIRST.  That is step 1.  John 3:16, For God so Loved the world that He gave His only Son that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.  The rest of the list looks crazy and we can't really understand it if we haven't first received His Love personally.

prayer request & randomness.

Praying for a dear friend today, that God would soften her heart toward Him, that she would see His miracles in her life, that she would receive His Love in her life, & mostly that His will would be accomplished in her life; while she is away this week.  Please pray for her with me! Thank you.

Today I started reading The Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson. Its a very good book that everyone would benefit from reading; the premise is that everyone has a dream and he shows the reader the obstacles & help along the way to achieving those dreams.  Its very encouraging & a short read.

God bless.

Remember

I'm in Psalms now and part of what I read tonight was Psalm 102-106.  I encourage you to read it too: http://niv.scripturetext.com/psalms/103.htm  (the link is just 103, but you simply tap the arrow next to 103 and it'll take you to the next chapter).
In Psalm 103 the psalmist says, "don't forget" all God's benefits & then he lists them:
He forgives all your sins.
He heals all your diseases.
He redeems your life from the pit.
He crowns you with love and compassion.
He satisfies your desires with good things.
He is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.
He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.
He loves us as high as the heavens are above the earth.
He forgives as far as the east is from the west.
He is compassionate.
He remembers that we are formed from dust.
His love is with us from everlasting to everlasting.

I read 'don't forget' and I thought, 'wow! I need to make a thankfulness board for how God keeps His promises & reveals Himself to me & to my family.  I then continued to read.

Psalm 105:5, "Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,"(NIV). In this chapter the psamist lists the miracles of God in their lives on a consistent basis over year and years time.  I read 'remember' and immediately thought, 'wow! I should add how He has worked in our lives individually so that we recognize and remember his daily miracles in our lives to that board.'  I continued to read.

Psalm 106:15, "But they soon forgot what he had done and did not wait for his counsel" (NIV).  If you read through the rest of this chapter you would see all the sin they fell into, all because they forgot.

The psalmist is talking about what God did to free the people from Egypt and how He guided them in the wilderness for 40 years.  The miracles were pretty thick on their lives, I mean when was the last time a pillar of fire lit your way through darkness?  Have you had food fall from the clouds lately?  No, we have flashlights and grocery stores these days.  Today God's miracles come to us in different ways but He is still in the miracle making business!!  For a person to be completely self centered to becoming a giving sacrificial person is indeed a miracle of God and He does that in those who are willing. He does all kinds of miracles in the hearts of those who are willing... He also still heals sickness, whether instantaneously or through the hands of a doctor. He is still all of the things listed from Psalm 103, His benefits are rich- He has not changed and does not change.  Psalm 102:27, "But You remain the same, and Your years will never end" (NIV).  I'm so thankful that God, the Creator of the Universe, is so pure in person. I'm thankful to be swimming in His all consuming Love and not dried up in some spiritual desert only living and breathing because of Him despite whether or not I recognize that is why.  Don't forget, Carrie, don't forget... He has worked miracles in my life over and over.  I have forgotten before, but I want to be in the business of remembering and praising Him for who He is and for all He does to keep me.  I'm so so thankful that He carries me daily!

Go First.

There is such a wonderful thing about getting totally alone with God.  I think a lot of Christians feel stagnant, because we are so overly involved in life that time with Him gets neglected.  It seems odd that He would ever come last, but it easily happens as the demands of the day pile up & press down on us robbing us of time.  Shouldn't we be scheduling God in first?  He is most important after all?  Its easy to make excuses, but if we're honest with ourselves and "face to face" with God there is no excuse.  In the past few weeks God has been dealing with me bit by bit about how I spend my time.  I've responded by taking out several things that ate up my time and tonight through a friend He pointed out how there are still little things that eat up bits of time through out the day.  Its strange how that happens. Pinterest reels me in far longer than I ever intend to stay :/. The more I purposely sift out of my life the more I wonder how in the world I was doing it all, & I think the better parent I'm becoming.  I think my relationship with God was getting better with each passing day until there were a couple days 2 weeks ago when I was disobedient and I moved and I haven't' spent the same time with Him I had since.  I totally just realized it tonight. Its so easy to let things slip away, which is why we need to get totally alone with God each day to  hear from Him through His Word & to pray. There is nothing more important; all the other important things can wait for God to go first.

Amelia is ONE!

Today was Amelia's FIRST Birthday.  I cried.  I'm always excited to celebrate the milestone of each new age, but I grieve the past as I say good-bye to the baby years.  I do this at every birthday for all of my children, I was so so sad when Madelyn turned 3 and then Isabelle, I doubt this year will be any different when Nathan turns 3.  I LOVE 2 year olds; I know I must be nuts, but I do love every bit of 2.  I Love 3 too and am sad when they turn 4... it continues.  I always love the new age they come into as well, I just know that squeezing 2 year old Madelyn will never happen again (and she is turning 7 this summer).  I'll probably be pushing for grandchildren early too.  This explains why I have 4 children doesn't it?  We may still adopt too!  I love being with my children, of course I need to go away and do things without them, but I genuinely enjoy their company.  I look forward to taking new moms food now, to pay it forward and to get the opportunity to hold a new born again! :) win/ win.

As it is our family's tradition to go out for ice cream on our birthdays, we went out today.  First we went to Chic-fil-la for lunch & I planned to take them to Coldstone for icecream.  The children begged and begged for icecream while we were at Chic-fil-la and I told them no because I had something better planned.  They begged and begged.  I remember a time when I did that with God and now that a few years has passed I clearly see that He had something better in mind.  If He is saying 'no' it is because there is something better He has planned.  Coldstone's icecream is way better than Chicfila's and our entire family agreed! 

Happy Birthday sweet baby Amelia Violet, I hope one day you'll know and truly understand how much I love you and am so incredibly happy you were born and that you are mine!  I'm so sad your first year has passed, but so so excited about all of your early years ahead of us!! I love you precious girl & am thrilled that I have the opportunity to walk along with you as you grow up into a lady!