giving

I hesitated sharing this; there's a lot of different perceptions it can create and I don't really like any of them.  I don't like anyone to know if I give, or when I give, or how much I give, or why... I like this kind of thing to be secret.  I used to have a friend who'd tell people he was unemployed, because he didn't want people to associate him with his job and how much money he might make.  I kinda feel the same way about giving. bleh.  Plus, God used this giving opportunity to dislodge some ugliness in my heart.  I sort of passively talked about it in a post a few days ago.

A couple days before Thanksgiving I helped this lady who I often see pushing a stroller with her 2 young girls in it on the sidewalk near where I live.  They're walking a main 4 lane road. It is obvious they don't have much and the Lord asked me to stop and do whatever I could to help them.  "Great!" was my initial response; I truly do love the opportunity to do something significant for someone and tell them that Jesus loves them.  She said she needed food and it was clear her children needed coats, etc; I took them to a store where we could get both groceries and clothing.  She was excited & tried to put lots of things in her cart that were not in the "need" category.  I was so happy to get her what she did need, but growing increasingly frustrated & running out of time as family was coming in that afternoon.  I did keep steering her in the direction of need & warm clothing... & finally groceries. That night she called me with a request of something she forgot to get, on my voice mail.  The next day she called 4 times and left 2 messages; I don't answer my phone when I'm with family or friends. Thanksgiving day she called 3 times and left no messages & Friday morning she called again.  Friday afternoon I took her what she had forgotten and she asked for $5 for a prescription... She asked passively by hinting that she needed the money.  I said, 'well that's not much' to which she replied 'it's a lot if you don't have it.' .... and I thought, "agghhh!!! my pockets aren't quite as deep as you think they are, do you not see what I've spent already? money runs dry for 95% of people and I am in that group too... obviously a different part of that group, but still..."  BUT I  said... 'yall, have a Merry Christmas.' and left.

I had a couple of errands to run. It was black friday... and I didn't buy anything except for a couple things I had promised my girls when they missed out on something fun because they were sick.  I argued with God the entire time I was in Hobby Lobby.  "$5 is a drop in the bucket and you know it." He'd say.  Bleh! was my heart's response. "I've already done SO much for her. I don't need to do anything else."  He just kept pressing on my heart to help with this too.  I felt like she was trying to take advantage of my generosity.  I want to help her &/or other people on my terms...  As I was leaving Hobby Lobby there were 2 paintings; the first was the one of the last supper and the second was of the nativity scene.  The Nativity stopped me and I stared at it, like I was an onlooker at an art gallery or museum.  My heart softened and I started thanking God for what He did in coming to earth in human form, wondering what it must've been like to be God born in a human shell.  Thanking Him for giving up everything to come to earth for me-- and for you-- to seek and to save we who were/ are lost.  Loving Him.  And He spoke to my heart, "I'm asking you (all of My followers) to give up everything and follow Me.  If I want you to go pick up a simple prescription for this woman, won't you do it, without question?" Soooo.... I grumbled & called this lady, who I was still frustrated with to ask her where her prescription was... she didn't think I'd go in Wal-mart to get it since I told her about my agoraphobia and it was Black Friday.  She also argued that they wouldn't give it to me.  I went in to pick it up and they didn't have it.   Surprise. Surprise.  Maybe she wanted the $5 for cigarettes? But instead of all this cynicism, the Lord spoke to me pointing out that this was about my heart being willing toward HIM, not about actually paying for her Rx.

She called me a few times each day through Monday, and leaving a message asking for something at least once each day.  But I don't feel guilty at all for not responding, now that my heart is just willing to do whatever it is God leads me to do.   Of course, if the phone calls start again, I'll have to explain to her that God is our provider and if she needs something to please pray and ask God for the provision... He will send someone to her if she needs it.   That person may or may not be me.