grow

Spiritual growth is a tricky thing.  It's not at all what I thought and of course I was very immature for a long time. Knowledgeable in part and immature.  A part of my knowledge of scripture had never been applied which produces no change; but as it is applied it produces a harvest.

Check out the last part of the Parable of the Sower in Luke 8; "Still other seed fell on good soil.  It came up and yielded a crop, a hundred times more than was sown."  100 times!!  Application is the key... make it your's.

Like I was saying, spiritual growth is a tricky thing.  It's a lot of work and much of the time it's different than you might expect.  I didn't realize that while I was running from the Lord, He was also working in me.  He let me get totally miserable because that's what life is apart from Him. Miserable.  He allowed me to get to the point that when I questioned everything I took the leap to pray that He would take me back to the joy of His salvation. I couldn't get there on my own & He delivered.

I've done a lot of running in the last 10 years, and during it all God was allowing it in order to take me to a place where I understood how He Loves me.  All of us.  As I grew up, I developed this understanding of sorts that I wasn't worth loving.  We all have childhood junk and so many of us are from broken homes and it jades us.  I thought that people would love me less if they found out I wasn't what they wanted me to be. It has taken almost 10 years of marriage for me to finally get that my husband loves me... period.  And 17 years for me to really register that God loves me. There is no question. There is no circumstance that He would stop.  There's nothing I can do to get God to love me more or love me less.  His Love is perfect and pure.  13 years ago, I started running because I thought for sure He had to hate me because of my screw up and 10 years later He brought me back and showed me ..."Carrie, I Love you!"  Then when a precious baby left this life & his mother's arms, my heart was ripped out with her's and I decided that God just had to hate us all. I was miserable and I ran from Him. After a little more than 2 years, I went to Him... He reminded me that death was not part of His original and perfect plan. Death entered this world when Adam & Eve sinned.  One of the gospels records Jesus crying over a woman losing her son... not to mention that Jesus came to conquer death, hell, & the grave.  All because He passionately loves us.  When we are devastated, He is too.

During these times where my faith wavered, He stood firm.  When I came back to Him, He purged out the lie that I clung to that He wouldn't love me for me and that He doesn't love me if things don't go my way. The hang ups I've had with love are being purged out as they concern God.

Life is messy. No matter what you believe, life is messy.  Jesus Christ never cost me a thing. Life was messy before He saved my soul and it's messy now. Life is life... it is hard, dirty, long, painful; it contains sadness, grief, joy, & death; there are personal victories whether He is in it or not... but I'll tell you my life is better with Him, He gives His peace that passes understanding.  He has given me so much I would've never had apart from Him including a healthier perspective on love, not to mention the promise of eternal life in heaven with Him.  Spiritual growth is not personal growth... personal growth is the counterfeit.  Only God can grow us spiritually; self grows us personally. Never in a million years would I have been able to wiggle my way out of my "love issues" on my own.  God did that as only He could.

And I love Him more today than ever and I know He loves me. He is with me and so everyday I make the choice to be with Him, because life apart from Him is miserable and life with Him is wholly, holy peace.

read part 2 by clicking here or just scroll up to the next day, "growing mode" <3