Hope

Depression is horrible.  I remembered today how horrible it was.  It was immobilizing in the spiritual sense.  I went through all of the motions I had to go through, I had children after all.  Over the last 10ish years there were a few bouts with depression all of which made me suicidal.  During the first I still lived in NC and was teaching preschool.  It wasn't the worst.  I went through the motions at work, I read a lot of books, still prayed and hoped that maybe God still Loved me despite my disappointing Him.  I was sad and was living with a lot of regret and was suicidal.   It would ebb and flow for a while after that.  When I met my husband it seemed to draw back a great deal.  Over the years after that there were a couple heavy bouts when the only reason I didn't commit suicide is because I didn't want to face God on earth or in heaven.   I know that I know that I know that the one and only reason I am no longer struggling with depression like that anymore is because of God.  He Loved me too much to leave me there. Its difficult to explain exactly what He did. He helped me to get through the motions of each day.  He kept nudging me toward the truth of His Love. He kept bringing the answers along to questions and doubts I had.  I kept pulling my heart toward Him.  There were a lot of days I rejected even considering that these things were the case but as I look back I can see how this is the truth. He just kept detangling this mess of lies that built up in my mind.
I'm so thankful that when we come to Him in a broken heap no matter how massive,  it is against His character to leave us there.  "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".
I was definitely broken and now I'm definitely not. This is an act of God.  I was broken, crushed in spirit before meeting Him the very first time; when I got saved He took me in and healed me and put me together!  When I ran... and ran and ran... and finally came back He did it again.  I think there is a little work to be done to put be completely together again but He is doing it and I am far from obsessing over suicide.  It is only an act of God, because I definitely did NOT get here on my own!