Whole.

According to Beth Moore, perfectionism is insecurity at its finest. Guilty.  If I don't think I can do something and do it well I don't bother. Failure is not an option... when it happens... when I don't live up to my own expectations of myself I swim in self loathing.  It happens because my eyes are so often on me, such is the same with most people.  Everyone is insecure in some way, this is not to mean timid or shy, insecure is much different... read Beth Moore's "So Long Insecurity" for more insight. In the book she quotes Joseph Nowinshi's definition: "Insecurity refers to a profound sense of self-doubt -- a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world.  insecurity is associated with chronic self-consiousness, along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about our relationships.  The insecure man or woman lives in constant fear of rejection and a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate."

I've also been reading "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp, a life changing book everyone should read, she declares that thanksgiving--heartfelt thanksgiving to God-- is the cure for so many things. Through it God gives joy, trust, peace... it cures soul level sadness, unbelief, fear...  I wouldn't be surprised at all if it cured insecurity, because thankfulness for all the little things all around us & naming them individually & specifically will take my eyes off of me bit by bit over time. God redeems.

I so want to live wholly and to holy live.  I'm more and more confident that this giving Thanks to the One who gave it all will certainly pound out the yuck, the pounding is what is painful.  But as my husband would say, "I'm down"... I'm totally down.  Let's do this thing... fiercely fighting to find the "eucharisteó" (Voskamp references this Greek word throughout her book) thanksgiving in my moment by moment living so that I can fiercely live as Christ intended.  Facing it with fierce intensity will indeed drill me through the pain in order to find full living.

Learning to live in the moment with Thanksgiving.  Practice. Practice.