thankful

Most of my life I've felt like I didn't -- don't-- measure up, that I'm not good enough.  I don't really remember a time that I  believed otherwise.  There may have been periods of pride, the pride that boils up and over-- judging.  Judging things like cussing and the woman who lets her boobs hang out of her shirt; both of which I'm recently guilty of.  Stupid.  So stupid.  Words are just words, the attitude behind the words, the heart behind the words is what God is concerned with.  Modesty is important, but don't judge, we all need to learn... practice... what God wants of us. We each have our own topic.
I never felt smart. I still don't.  I repeated a grade in elementary school after my parents divorced and we moved 2 states away.  That was the nail in the coffin; I am stupid.  It was years before I ever even bothered trying to achieve anything academically.  When I did start trying, I was always on the "honors list."  Figures.  God changed my heart about education and gave me a reason to want to learn and do well, and I did.  That's just the start of my list of not measuring up which spirals into a myriad of emotional issues.

God says we are each worth while and He loves us each beyond our imagination. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." He reaches into each of us takes our hand where we are weakest and performs a miracle in our lives to show His glory.  He is amazing, He measures up, He is more than good enough & He lives in me & in anyone who asks.  I am so thankful for His righteousness, because my own righteousness is a mess and does nothing to protect my heart.  If I want my heart protected I must wear His righteousness-- the breastplate talked about in Ephesians 6.  I think I put the breastplate of spiritual tinfoil on again this week, self-righteousness, because I put on these old insecure feelings. God's righteousness does away with insecurity and failure and pride and all those other things that are self-righteous, He died and rose again to make that possible. My heart has hurt this week and I've been trying to figure out why-- this is why.  What and "Aha!" moment I'm having.

I read today in "one thousand gifts" how prayerful specific thanksgiving will pound out the 'yuck' in our lives.  I am hopeful.