9 years ago today I married the man who far exceeds anything I could've ever dreamed up in a man. I prayed and prayed for him before ever meeting him, it is clear in many ways how God intervened in his life before we met and how He truly did prepare us for one another while we were apart, before we met. Praying for a spouse is the single best gift we could ever give him/ her & oneself!
9 years ago we married. 9 years ago I was painfully insecure. The whole time we dated I 'just knew' he'd change, so far he'd been a really great guy one of the best, but I was so afraid that all of who he was would contort into a huge jerk. He never changed and he's still the best guy! I'm blessed to be able to call him mine!
9 years ago in the last days following up to the wedding I was suffocating under the pressure of my insecurity, trying to make everything perfect so that only good things would be said about my wedding. It backfired. Appearance took the forefront of my perfectionism and people... people did not. If you know me then you know that I want to be friends with everyone and if I meet you then we're friends. Its just how it is. Its how Scott and I ended up together in the first place. So I met all kinds of new people at our rehearsal dinner and wedding, but I was so obsessed with everything 'looking' perfect & getting things done that I never did get to hang out with the people. I ended up being labeled Bridezilla. Yes.. a couple years later it was said to my face. Fun. Both my inability to live in the moment & my perfectionism fed by insecurity took over, I wish I could change that. I'm sure all of Scott's friends that I hadn't yet met thought I was a huge... mmm.... bridezilla. Like I said I was suffocating under my own pressure. Remembering that always tastes like gravel.
9 years ago I was so obsessed with doing everything just right that I took all the advice that I read or was told concerning our wedding, though my Mother might disagree. . The only thing in the wedding that was something I wanted to do was face the guests. Funny how I didn't treat them how I really felt about them and there was a time that I was really big on first impressions. Figures.
In the years preceding and following I even decorated my living space the way other people suggested. One of Scott's friends called me on it a few years ago, thanks Javier. Its been really freeing to get rid of so much stuff that I really didn't like anyway but was bound to for one reason or another.
9 years ago until maybe 6 or 7 years ago I thought for sure that Scott had married the wrong girl! I did not think I was good enough for him. We were both happily married, I just thought he deserved better. And why would anyone love me enough to want to stay with me anyway. In reality we're perfect for each other. We both treat each other with dignity & respect & with a ton of love; have we both faltered on that at times? Yes. But we're both totally thankful for each other!!
I've always been so concerned with what other's thought of me that the recent breakdown & sloughing away of it all is freeing... pardon me if I pass gas in front of you while I regain balance in social appropriateness, because right now I'm really not caring. I feel much more free but there is a part of me where I still feel shackled, like I'm trying to walk away but some random thought will jerk me back. What is that anyway? Even the details of buying our next home are drowned with concerns of what others might think... both what my current friends would think & what the friends of the little girl in me would think. Ugh. Its maddening.
God is so awesome and amazing to bring all kinds of specifics concerning this issue to the forefront. He is certainly washing it out. I'm reminded of this 10 year old Christian song that was sung at the event Scott and I met at on the National Mall... "Take these Shackels off my feet so I can dance, I just want to praise Him, I just want to praise Him..." here's link if you want to listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EmKt-EqGJyc
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